May does certainly bring glorious flowering beauty, there is no doubt about that!
But for some, the arrival of Mother’s Day brings with it a very mixed bag of emotions! I know, I was one of those women. On occasions it creeps up on me unexpectedly, like yesterday!
I just felt “off” emotionally and physical the last couple of days. It was a bit confusing, trying to figure out if I might have eaten something that just didn’t set in my stomach very well? Maybe I hadn’t drank enough water that day? Maybe I was catching a flu bug of some kind? I began to pray and ask God (maybe that’s where I should have started in the first place 😉 ?
I asked God what was going on with me? He knows me better than anyone else and He always tells me the truth and is straight up with me, no matter what. He wants the best for me, He loves me and I can always count on Him to give me the straight scoop! He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He’s walked me through the valley of the shadow of death and I fear no one or no thing.
So, as I quietly asked, pondered and waited for His reply, in His still small voice, He answered me…”remember when….Guinevere Rose would have been born? I have healed your broken, shattered and wounded soul, yet you still carry the scar. I have restored your confusion, I have renewed your mind, I have created a new thing….all sin is forgiven and you have been set free from your self-made prison. Yet, the memories you do not forget my child, not completely. Your womb became a tomb, yet for a season. New life came forth from your womb but not without a price. Joy has come in your mourning, peace for your despair, dancing instead of weeping. You sought me out, finally, when you could take no more, when you came to the end of yourself. You realized something wasn’t right. The eyes of your heart began to open, the ears of your understanding became tuned into My voice, in your fits of desperation I heard your cry. I held you in My arms, I carried you through your tsunami of grief that so often swept over you. I placed around you a shield of protection, a shield of fellow wounded warriors who had overcome the fight you now were about to embark upon. Wounded, victorious warriors who would lead you down the broken road, leading you into My loving arms where you could begin to recognize My voice, know My love, allow Me to unlock the chains that bound you for so, so long. Redirect your path of a very long, twisted, foggy and confusing road. After 23 years of walking in darkness…you loved, accepted and embraced the beautiful daughter I had given you and Michael, Guinevere Rose. The life of your daughter you chose to reject. I could have helped you then if you had only run TO ME, instead of run away from Me. Oh, how that broke my heart. To watch you suffer in silence for so long, rejecting ME – to see the impact of you ending your precious daughter’s life in a state of fear, doubt and confusion. We, together, you and Michael could have made it through it all. Instead, you chose death for your daughter, Guinevere Rose. I’ve always been there for you on this long and broken road. I, and the angels, rejoiced whenever we saw that glimmer of hope. Those speaking the truth in love into your wounded and shattered soul gave you strength to give Me all of the broken, shattered, splintered pieces of your life and let me finally take control of your life. I was overjoyed that you finally trusted me enough to allow me to do that. I’ve always wanted the best for you, always! As you now know, what was intended for evil, intended for your destruction, I am ready, willing and able to turn all of that around for good, for the good of many. Guinevere Rose’s short life on earth will not be in vain. I have always loved you. Tell Michael, I have always loved him. I have always loved Guinevere Rose, she is safe with me, as she always has been.” – God
So, you see, May brings a twinge of sadness to me because our daughter, Guinevere Rose‘s birthday would have been around May 10th, around the time of Mother’s Day. There are things your body never forgets. Epigenetic scaring – a field of neurobiology, biological psychiatry, has been exposing some realities that really begin to make more and more sense of all of what I’ve been through in regards to my abortion trauma and how it has impacted my lifelong health and well being. And the lives of countless women I have had the privilege to work with over the past 13+ years.
Also, research in the field of physical therapy explores more and more into the study of cell memory and therapies directed to fertility and the womb are emerging, addressing the trauma to the womb of women.
What used to make me feel like I was going crazy, has brought me more and more understand of what happens when we go against what is the natural course of choosing life, hope, love, possibilities and purpose even in the midst of difficult and unpredictable circumstances. Isn’t life unpredictable anyway?
I have overcome regret in my life over this choice to end my daughter’s life. But I do think I will always ponder and reflect on the full impact, and continue to walk the healing road, of how our daughter’s life, had we allowed her to live, would have blessed and impacted our family. God gave me vision of her long ago, running and giggling through a field of wildflowers. The vision of a bubbly, curly red haired girl so perfect in His sight. I’ll always love you baby girl, and I will never forget you. Until I see you and hold you in Heaven precious one, I will live to tell your story and to share the message of our Heavenly Father’s transformational love and restoration.
If you are struggling with Mother’s Day and something in this message resonated in your soul, you are not alone and you do not have to suffer any longer in silence. I, and many others, are here for you. Please feel free to fill out the contact form below and I or someone in your community will contact you as soon as possible. I’m here for you and know that you are loved unconditionally no matter what you have done in your past.
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